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It’s almost hilarious. I started out writing something for my blog. It was a virgin attempt, I was risking being arrogant and angry. At first I wanted to write ’10 things I hate about people’. Yes, it’s been a tough few days (or was it years?) and I had to vent it out.
But even I had not imagined I had so much to vent out! I just finished writing 3 pages of things that make me go ‘Ugghhh’. I try never to write negative, but this time I’m sure glad I did.
The only issue now is that I cannot possibly put the list on this blog. It’s too venomous and frank. For the first time there is an angry side of me reflecting in what I wrote. Even half-way through as I was writing it, I thought ‘This definitely cannot be put on the blog, maybe I’ll just forward it to close friends’. By the end of it, I had given up all hope of ever letting anyone read it.
Nevertheless, I feel a little lighter. Having a positive outlook to life is best for you, but sometimes just accepting how you feel is also important. For so long I have bottled it all up, now it’s finally on paper. The mean, nasty, authoritative, in-your-face side of me :) I almost feel like I have a whip in my hand right now! Face the wall, mean humans. Let me show you how angry you make me.
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The ONE thing that makes me come again and again to read your posts is the naked honesty with which you express your thoughts and feelings. It amuses me to find no sadness, contempt or repugnant thoughts. Its all been too polished, perfect and mundane to be the only truth in anyone's life. Time and again I get a glimpse of what u feel (through your writings!), but the complete portrait still eludes me. Is this veil a conscious attempt to conceal the 'real' you? Or is it a pragmatic fear of unabashed nudity of the soul? Do individuals have the right to express their true thoughts at the cost of alienating some? Or does a writer bare herself for her committed readers (or maybe her fans!). Given up all hope of ever letting anyone read it? Maybe friends who 'understand' and empathize; instead of close ones. Or maybe an anonymous post under your own blog with your list of woes!
ReplyDeleteStill a big FAN and eagerly waiting for your rep to every point
- The ever confused and sad W
@ Mr. W,
ReplyDeleteYou make me think!
I have this to say in my defense. If anyone who was a regular reader of this blog knew me in person (without knowing I’m the author), and I told him someday that the blog he reads is infact written by me, I’m not too sure if he would be able to relate to the ‘person’ me thereafter, but would probably still relate well to the ‘writer’ me. In any case he would be surprised for sure.
To quote an example, a very good friend read my blog on ‘What Do Gods Talk About?’ and loved it. When he met me a few days later, he said to me “You never came across as a person with a great sense of humor, but your blog was hilarious!” Although this remark slightly offended me, it also amused me about how little my friend knows about me.
And the blame is my own. Truth is, I am more honest in what I write than in what I show of myself as a person in day-to-day life. Most of the people in my life hardly know the real me. It is this need for honesty that makes me come back to this blog and speak out loud. When I write it’s more for me than even for my readers, and I wouldn’t do injustice to myself. Even in my polished articles, there is a hidden vulnerability lurking somewhere in the shadows of the ‘perfect world’. I am made up of things positive and negative. Can I exist without both co-existing?
I would also like to add that a 100% honesty (to not just your readers, but to everyone else in life) is probably not a good idea anyways. Even autobiographies are not all truth. As a writer with a fan following (which is a very new thing for me, but thanks to you it’s happening), there is a pressure to make yourself ‘look good’. I try not to succumb to that pressure, but hey, it’s still there.
Till a few years back, me as a person and me as a writer were inseparable. I was open, honest and unabashed in both worlds. I did not know that the art of ‘covering up’ even existed, and that people used it all the time. But baring my soul is a dangerous sport that I don’t play anymore. What if someone out there begins to get you? What if someone actually decodes what you write, and can then relate it to the things you say in daily life? I would make myself too vulnerable, and the situation would be too endearing to get out of. The world of an artist is too fantastical to be practically livable.
Which is my reality? Is it this little world I have created for myself where I come every once in a while and pen down some thoughts, or is it the other world, the one that I constantly live and breathe in? For some strange reason, I don’t connect very well with the practical world, never have. Practicality has too many limitations. But in this little arena everything is possible. And this is where I belong.
With regards to ‘things that make me go Ugghh’, well, an anonymous post maybe :) Someday...or somewhere discreetly coded in regular seemingly benign posts?
Ahem Ahem Ahem..... This is not just a wonderful response, it befits the status of a separate post under your blog. Its nice to know that my silly questions prompt an budding writer to think (me a 'muse'; never thought of myself more than my daily existence!)
ReplyDeleteOf course the blog is about 'you', the person who is the real you. Through the blog you feel free to express your deepest thoughts. The very act of writing forces all of us to give our thoughts some little meaning. To this simple act you add some reality and myth-busting for the flavor, garnish it with a funny post here and there, add some special spice from your life and then stir it well within the cauldron of the mind, making it an exiting dish to savor!
Baring the heart can be a risk worth-taking, baring the soul is for serious gamblers! (Never a prudent choice). I do not want to snip your artistic talents, but i could not let you state that you can't share something with even your close friends. Somehow it did not seem right and at the same time I could see the reasons for not sharing. Maybe a spouse or a close friend, for they can be a patient listener to our ramblings!
You don't connect with the practical? Whoa! Welcome to LIFE! Tell me who does :) And the ones who say they do, are faking it. That reason aside, real life and real people can comfort someone, the net and the fans will never. I struggle with the same issues and i need a constant reality check to know where the world lies.
Again, what brings me here to the blog is something akin to empathy. I understand what you are trying to write and leave unwritten (maybe I stretch my mind too far sometimes). I see you as someone who sees herself tangled in life's maze and wants to carve out a personal way through to a brighter tomorrow. The blog is just a means to 'telling' the world out there "watch me as i unravel the mystery".
Don't be under any pressure from any fan ;) The writer in you will get many more even if this one fan is alienated
- W
p.s. What do you prefer i refer to you as? Author? Owner? your name?
My name would be best :)
ReplyDeleteOkay Manisha!
ReplyDelete-W