What Do Gods Talk About? (*)

(* Disclaimer – Although not my intention in the least, if this in any way offends your religious sensitivity, just ignore the article and read my next one instead.)

The characters:

Lord Shiva (aka Shiv)
Lord Hanuman (aka Hanu)
Lord Ganesha (aka Ganesh)
Lord Vishnu (aka Vish)
Allah
Jesus

The Scene:
Saturday evening, all the characters are assembled (as is custom) at a small bar to drink, chat and de-stress the week away. Drinks are flowing in generously, Vish taking the tab for the evening, and a few attractive apsaras are tending to the bar. The mood in general is jovial, light and relaxed. 

The Act:

Vish: So how was everyone’s week? 

(Everyone speaking together at once): “Bad, very bad”, “Busy!”, “Stressful, glad it’s a Saturday!” 

Finally Ganesh chips in: Humans run to us for everything! They can’t even deal with a nasal congestion, they call on to us. Why, I ask you, do we have to spoon-feed all these comforts? Can’t they just deal with their problems?

Hanu: And some of them don’t even have any problems! But somewhere in their concocted minds they fancy themselves sad, I tell ya! 

Allah: Yeah, we’re always having to tend to them. Can you believe some of my disciples actually dream about being gifted with a hundred virgins when they die? And why, may I ask? They do nothing substantial in their lives, not one of them. 

Jesus: And they are so silly in their faiths. I’ve heard they have specific days assigned to each Hindu deity. Shiv, is that true? 

Shiv: It’s almost like a joke on us. They have given me Monday. Monday, of all days! Mondays are so blue! I hated it when they gave me the Monday. I’m more of a Friday night kinda guy, you know, drinking, dancing and all…that’s more ‘me’. 

Hanu: Are they trying to suggest we get days off the rest of the week? Coz if that’s what they think, I need to let them know I work all 7 days of the week! Sometimes I take a few hours off and sneak away on a Thursday afternoon though….shhh…noone knows yet. 

Allah (checking his celestial blackberry): Did you hear the latest news? 200 people died today fighting over us. Don’t they know we are branches of the same tree?

Vish: They just don’t seem to get it. They figure out ways to get to the moon and setup civilizations up there, but they still don’t fathom the basic truth about us.

Jesus: They can fight all they want, but we are one team guys!

(All cheering and raising toast to this): “Yeah, Yeah, One Team! One Team!”

At that time an attractive apsara, Urvasi, arrives to re-fill everyone’s drinks. There is silence for a few moments as everyone is giving her ‘the look’. Obviously flattered, she tosses her flirtatious smile at each of them and coolly walks away.

Hanu: Siiiighhhhh………

Vish: Impressed? Wait till you see Rambha and Menaka.

Hanu: What’s the point? Those silly humans have deemed me as a lifelong brahmachari. Now every apsara thinks I won’t get serious with them, and stay away. Just my rotten luck….What’s more, the very devotees who call me brahmachari are happily married and enjoying bliss! The hypocrites…

Shiv: You should show them your pic where you’re carrying that huge mountain all by yourself. I think that kinda stuff impresses the women.

Ganesh: I have an even more serious problem, dude. Whenever I am close to getting lucky with some apsara, my snout comes in my way! Can’t even plant a kiss on her. Now what can be worse?

Jesus: Say, I really liked that Urvasi gal, she’s hot. 10 on 10 I say!

Vish: Don’t even get started man, she has the softies for Kris. Frankly, with that plain boring dressing sense of yours, you don’t stand a chance anyway.

(Readers may already be aware that ‘Kris’ is Lord Krishna, the ostentatious and flirty favorite of the gals.)

Allah: What is it about this Kris fellow? Every girl wants to be with him. How does he do it man?

Ganesh: Well, if only we knew. Even the Gods don’t know what a woman wants. Kris being the exception. I’m actually jealous!

Vish: How’s your married life, Shiv?

Shiv: Don’t ask, man…Ever since I cut off Ganesh’s head, my wife thinks I’m a total goof. She doesn’t trust me on anything! All the time watching over me….I mean, c’mon guys, it was a genuine mistake, could’ve happened with anybody. Does she have to nag about it everyday? She wants me to to go an anger management rehab now. Says I lose my temper very easily.

(Everyone mumbling together): “Awww…marriage is tough man…”,”Yeah, hang in there buddy…”,”You’re doing good…”

The evening continues in a similar rhythm amongst these disgruntled and stressed out deities….all united in the sorrows of their careers, love lives and marriages.